III. Acronyms

And then there are acronyms. The use of acronyms on the internet would make a die-hard government bureaucrat weep with joy. Again, a quick way of conveying common expressions may have its uses in a real time chat room or in instant messaging, particularly for the hunt and peck typist who might take 15 minutes to say "I have to answer the call of nature. I will be back very shortly." Thus, the birth of "BRB." Imagine the chat room conversation the first time this was used:

Chatter One: "BRB"

Chatter Two: "Wha???"

Chatter One: "BRB"

Chatter Two: "Wha???"

Chatter One: "That means "be right back."

Chatter Two: "Why didn't you just say so?"

Chatter One: "It's a lot faster to type "BRB."

Chatter Two: "How do you expect anyone to know what you are saying if you use things like that?"

Chatter One: "I'm in a hurry. Can I go now?"

Chatter Two: "Sure. But hurry back. I have something REALLY IMPORTANT to tell you."

Chatter One: "NM. IWBBIAFM."

Chatter Two: "Wha???"

Chatter One: "Never mind. I will be back in a few minutes."

[28 minutes pass]

Chatter One: "I'm back now. I had to go take a shower and change clothes because your numskulled thickheadedness kept me from leaving in time."

This perceived need to convey a message rapidly in chat has led to an obsessive compulsion with some people to use acronyms whenever possible, whether or not necessary, appropriate, or germane. Thus, in forum discussions, we often see "IMO" (in my opinion) or "IMHO" (in my humble opinion). How many of us have been in a forum discussion and someone jumps in with an "IMHO" that is often of questionable worth, if not completely off-topic and downright irrelevant? And how often have we wanted to respond with "Excuse me. That has nothing to do with my question. I did not ask for your opinion and there is nothing humble in offering it." Other favorites are IIRC (if I recall correctly) and AFAIK (as far as I know). As near as I can tell both of these often mean "I want to appear important and knowledgeable, but I am too lazy to check my facts."

Another common acronym is "YMMV" (your mileage might vary). This is an interesting little acronym because unless we are talking about carburetor adjustments, the best gasoline to use, or similar things, it doesn't even mean what it is supposed to mean. Its accepted meaning is something like "There are too many uncontrollable variables that can affect performance, so your results may not match mine." I believe what it often means is "I have a hunch you are an incompetent idiot who can't follow directions, so when this doesn't work well for you, don't come complaining to me." In rarer instances, I am sure it means "I am an incompetent idiot who probably left out several important steps in this procedure, so when you start a fire following my advice, I hope you won't blame me." CYA is always a good practice.

Some websites, especially discussion forums, seem to be nothing more than a series of smilies and capitalized acronyms. And pity us all who regularly get e-mails from people who just discovered how to use smilies in their message. The rampant use of smilies, acronyms and other shortcuts is often distracting to the point of being a real PITA (go look it up if you don't know). Does anyone know what is really being said?