A few good jokes for all

[DeMenAce]

1. How Do You Catch A Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch A Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path
4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit A Concrete Wall?
Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice Too Long?
Polaroid's
7. What Do You Call A Boomerang That Doesn't Work?
A Stick.
8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko.
11. What Do You Get From A Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.
12. What Do You Get When You Cross A Snowman With A Vampire?
Frostbite.
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.
15. Where Do You Find A Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.
19. What Is The Difference Between A Harley And A Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
21. What's The Difference Between A Bad Golfer And A Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes, Dang! Whack.
22. How Are A Texas Tornado And A Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.

[DeMenAce]

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

A crocodile can't stick it's tongue out.

A shrimp's heart is in their head.

People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze, your heart stops for a mili-second.

In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, no one reported a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand (or attempted to do so - apart from Bones ).

It's physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.

A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.

Between 1937 and 1945 Heinz produced a version of Alphabetti Spaghetti especially for the German market that consisted solely of little pasta swastikas.

On average, a human being will have sex more than 3,000 times and spend two weeks kissing in their lifetime.

More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.

Rats and horses can't vomit.

The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.

If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib.

If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die.

If you keep your eyes open by force, they can pop out.

Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over million descendants.

Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.

If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16,1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles?

In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their buttocks.

In the course of an average lifetime you will, while sleeping, eat 70 assorted insects and 10 spiders.

Most lipstick contains fish scales.

Cat's urine glows under a black-light.

Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different

Over 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.

[DeMenAce]

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.

Instead of telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

"How long will this take?", she asks.

"They'll grow larger over a period of years", he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"

"Worked for your butt, didn't it?"




He's alive....and with physical therapy, may even walk again.

LOL!!

[BombTek]

LOL...

OK.. I'll be the first to admit I tried to lick my elbow.. :eek:

[Ozzie]

Hehe...me too...:o

I like the one about the toilet paper too...good stuff.

[JoeFrat]

LMAO!!!

Good stuff Demenace!

I didn't lick my elbow....but my gf did

[Rafael]

Not me!

I told my girlfriend and got her to lick her elbow.
I would have, but, I know where mine has been. ewe!


$
RAF

[Ed_abx]

A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a very large jar behind the
bar. It's filled to the brim with ten-dollar bills. The man guesses there
must be thousands of dollars there. He approaches the bartender and asks
him: "What's up with the jar?"
Bartender: "Well, you pay ten dollars and if you pass three tests then you
get all of the money."
Man: "What are the three tests?"
Bartender: "Pay first. Those are the rules."
So the guy gives him the ten bucks and the bartender adds it to the jar
with the other bills.
Bartender: "OK, here's what you have to do. First you have to drink that
whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND, you can't
make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back
with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third,
there's a 90 year old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her
life. You gotta make things right for her."
Man: Well, I know I've paid my ten bucks but I'm not an idiot, I can't do
all that... it's impossible!
Bartender: "Well, you asked, and I told you...those are the rules, and
your money stays in the jar."
Well, as time goes on and the man downs a few drinks, he asks, "Wherez zat
teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands, and downs it
with a big slurp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks but he does not make
a face. Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear a
huge scuffle going on. They hear barking, screams, yelps and growling, and
eventually silence. Just when they think the man must surely be dead, he
staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped to shreds and big
scratches all over his body.
"Now," he says, "where's that woman with the sore tooth

[DeMenAce]

ROTFLMAO!!!

A poor man goes into a bar to see if he can bum a few sips of beer. On the way in, he spots a sign that reads, " Make the donkey laugh, win $1000.00 " So, he grabs the sign and asks how he can get in on this. The bartender says, you chip in $10.00 and if you make him laugh you win all the money. But if you lose, you lost your money. The bum says, " I haven't any money, but if you front me the money and I lose, I will work for you for a week. " So, the bartneder thinks about it and says, " OK you have a deal, the donkey is in the alley! " The old guy goes into the alley for about 1 minute and the donkey starts laughing his butt off!!! The guy goes into the bar and claims his $1000.00 and leaves! About a month later, he returns again. Another sign that reads " Make the donkey cry, win $1000.00! " He had $10.00 left so he pays the bar keep and goes into the alley for 1 minute. The donkey starts crying his eyes out! The bum goes up to the bar and claim his money. The bartender says, " Wait a minute, the first time you made him laugh, and this time you made him cry. What's you secret? " The old man said calmly as gathered up his winnings, " First time, I told him my penis was bigger than his. Second time, I showed him! "


LOL

[Zon]

A guy walks past a mental hospital and hears a moaning voice '13.......13.......13.........13' the man looked over to the hospital and saw a hole in the wall, he looked through the hole and gets poked in the eye. The moaning voice then groaned '14.........14.........14.......14.'

[crizzycruz]

Is That All You Got?!

[count minaba]

Originally Posted by demenace

Between 1937 and 1945 Heinz produced a version of Alphabetti Spaghetti especially for the German market that consisted solely of little pasta swastikas.

In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

In the course of an average lifetime you will, while sleeping, eat 70 assorted insects and 10 spiders.

My favorites

[Rick_EE]

Originally Posted by demenace

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
.

False. Urban Legends Reference Pages: Duck's Quack Echo