Funny Quotes :)

[Joe Public]

I love California. I grew up in Phoenix. --Vice President Dan Quayle

Reporter: Did you visit the Parthenon during your trip to Greece?
Shaquille O'Neal: I can't really remember the names of the names of the clubs that we went to.

"I's very happy," said Olga, a medical student, in perfect English. --from the Lynchburg (Virginia) Daily Advance

They had the letters "UFO" on the side. -- woman interviewee on NBC-TV, when asked by John Chancellor how she could be sure the flying objects she had seen were indeed unidentified.

You mean there are two Koreas? -- a U.S. Ambassador-designate to the Far East, after being asked his opinion during congressional hearings on the North Korea-South Korea conflict, as reported by government officials.

A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore. -- baseball great Yogi Berra

[The question] is too suppository. -- Alexander Haig, refusing to answer a question at a Senate committee hearing.

Don't quote me as saying that we will or we should increase our external aid. That would be my opinion if I had an opinion, but as a member of my government I have no opionion. -- Canadian External Affairs Minister Paul Martin, in response to a question by the Toronto press.

If we hadn't given them those first four touchdowns, it might have been different. -- Hokes Bluff (Alabama) high school football coach H.K. "Cootie" Reeves, after his team lost 53-0 in the state Double A title game.

That's the Italian city with the guys in the boats, right? -- Murad Muhammad, boxing promoter, after being told he might arrange a fight with another promoter in Venezuela.

Separate together in a bunch. [And don't] stand around so much in little bundles. -- director Michael Curtis to movie extras

I answer in the affirmative with an emphatic "No." -- Sir Boyle Roche, 18th-century M.P. from Tralee and preeminent word mangler.

You have a chip on your tooth, your Adam's apple sticks out too far and you talk too slow. -- Universal Pictures executive to Clint Eastwood

If you think the football game was exciting, wait until you hear the report from Tom Aspell from Amman, Jordan. -- NBC News anchorman Tom Brokaw, just after an NFL game had been broadcast, in his lead-in to a story about the Gulf War

We're very proud to have Sugar Ray and Mrs. Ray here. -- President Ronald Reagan, hosting prizefighter Sugar Ray Robinson and wife.

The nearest hotel was five miles away in one direction and practically twelve miles in the opposite direction. -- from a travel article in the Irish magazine "Ulster."

Well, sir, I met you this morning, but you did not come; however, I am determined to meet you tomorrow morning, whether you come or not. -- challenger to a man who didn't show up for a scheduled duel; reported by 19th-century British writer J.C. Percy

I didn't say that I didn't say it. I said that I didn't say that I said it. I want to make that very clear.
-- attributed to George Romney in National Review, 1967

He has never learned anything, and he can do nothing in decent style. -- Johann Georg Albrechtsberger, composer/ theoritician, on his student, Ludwig van Beethoven.

Send all the details. Never mind the facts. -- telegram from the editor of the old "New York World" to his Washington correspondent.

When given a check saying "Pay to Bearer:"
This ain't the way to spell my name. -- widely attributed to Yogi Berra.

I know what I've told you I'm going to say, I'm going to say. And what else I say, well, I'll take some time to figure out, figure out all that. -- President George Bush

As I was sitting on my seat, a thought struck me. -- from a maiden congressional speech.

Equal rights were created for everyone. -- contestant in the 1990 Mr. New Jersey pageant.

When two trains approach each other at a crossing, they shall both come to a full stop and neither shall start up until the other has gone. -- a law in Kansas

Hark! I hear a white horse coming! -- from the "Lone Ranger" radio program

When an Englishman wants to get married, to whom does he go? To the clergy. When he wants to get his child baptised, to whom does he go? To the clegy. When he wants to be buried, to whom does he go? -- Prime Minister William E. Gladstone in a speech extolling the clergy.

He must think I went to the Massachusetts Constitution of Technology. -- Dizzy Dean, commenting on fellow baseball player Branch Rickey's ornate way of speaking.

The drivers have one foot on the brake, one on the clutch, and one on the throttle. -- ESPN commentator Bob Varsha, covering a Grand Prix race.

On Mardi Gras:
Even if they had it in the streets, I wouldn't go. --attributed to movie mogul Samuel Goldwyn

It is indeed fitting that we gather here today to pay tribute to Abraham Lincoln, who was born in a log cabin that he built with his own hands. -- unnamed politician, in a speech honoring Lincoln, as reported by Senator Morris K. ("Mo") Udall

If Governor Fields is right, I am going to stand by him because he is right. If he is wrong, I am going to stand by him because he is a Democrat. -- Senator Augustus Owsley Stanley (D-Kentucky) in the 1920s

I was a pilot flying an airplane, and it just so happened that where I was flying made what I was doing spying. -- Francis Gary Powers, U-2 reconnaissance pilot head by the Soviets for spying, in an interview after he was returned to the United States.

How'm I gonna do decent pictures when all my good writers are in jail? . . . Don't misunderstand me, they all ought to be hung. -- movie mogul Samuel Goldwyn

Young Frank Pastore may have pitched the biggest victory of 1979. Maybe the biggest victory of the year! -- Jerry Coleman, San Diego Padres broadcast announcer.

Objects must be declared. If there isn't any object mark "X" only at the quantity "Yes" column and if there are any objects, cross out letter "No" and at the same row write exact amount of weight of these objects in words or in figures. -- customs form, Socialist Republic of Vietnam, Question 10, which also warns sternly against "giving false declaration or having the action of tricking"

Our comedies are not to be laughed at. -- movie mogul Samuel Goldwyn

My fellow astronauts . . . -- Vice President Dan Quayle, starting a speech at an Apollo 11 anniversary celebration.

I got a phone call from Jack Warner at one in the morning. He pulled me out of bed. It's a lucky thing I was playing gin rummy. -- Michael Curtiz, film director

Sin tax? What will those fellers in Washington think of next? -- attributed to Dizzzy Dean, baseball great turned announcer, in response to the charge that his language was ruining students' syntax.

I cannot imagine any condition which could cause this ship to founder. I cannot conceive of any vital disaster happening to the vessel. Modern shipbuilding has gone beyond that.
-- the captain of the Titanic, in 1912

She [Monica Seles] has so much control of the racket with those double-handed wrists. -- Virginia Wade, ex-tennis star broadcasting a tennis match.

All ice cubes will be boiled before using. -- U.S. army official, ordering preventive measures during an overseas typhoid epidemic.

Every pint bottle should contain a quart. -- Sir Boyle Roche, 18th-century M.P. from Tralee, speaking about government regulation.

No entry except for access. -- sign in Victoria Street, London.

Mr. Speaker, this bill is a phony with a capital F.
-- congressman during a congressional debate.

Out of one, many. -- Vice President Al Gore, un-uniting the United States by reversing the meaning of "E Pluribus Unum" ("out of many, one")

The next time I send a dope, I'll go myself. -- Michael Curtiz, film director, to an assistant who had returned with the wrong prop.

While I write this letter, I have a pistol in one hand and a sword in the other. -- Sir Boyle Roche, 18th-century M.P.

Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical.
-- Yogi Berra, baseball star

Here lies Captain Ernest Bloomfield. Accidentally shot by his orderly, March 2nd 1879. Well done, good and faithful servant. -- grave inscription of a British soldier, in Northwest Frontier of modern-day Pakistan.

Too many textbooks and discussions leave students free to make up their minds about things. -- Mel Gabler, Texas textbook critic.

It doesn't matter what he does, he will never amount to anything. -- One of Albert Einstein's teachers, giving his opinion on Einstein's future to Einstein's father.

[Fraoch]

Originally posted by Joe Public
Don't quote me as saying that we will or we should increase our external aid. That would be my opinion if I had an opinion, but as a member of my government I have no opionion. -- Canadian External Affairs Minister Paul Martin, in response to a question by the Toronto press.

Yay! We made the list!

That guy's now the prime minister, and he's actually better than the last guy.

Although my PC would lead the country better than the last guy.