And on a lighter note - Page 11

**Gorganzola** · 11-27-2001, 01:02 AM

That reminds I should put my trash bin out tonight.

***Ozzie*** · 11-27-2001, 06:43 PM

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas:
" Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event: "
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor Very mild.
FRANK: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway
with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These hicks are
crazy.
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides
pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my
way to the front of the beer line.
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a damn uranium spill. My nose
feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my
way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest.
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other
mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar
maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her.
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne
peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in
front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had
given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher.
Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and
peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems
inclined to stand behind me except Sally.
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at
the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, he
appears to be in a bit of distress.
FRANK: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn't feel it.
I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes
are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy
they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just let it in through the hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top
of himself.
JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy
enough to declare its existence.
FRANK: --------------

StarTraveller · 11-27-2001, 07:19 PM

LOL Ozzie

Great joke!

and a welcome relief from all the Bin Laden jokes

.

**SKI** · 11-27-2001, 07:47 PM

Bronze Rat

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."

"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him.

By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars.

Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run for the bridge.

Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it.

Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.

"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.

"No," says the tourist, "but I was wondering, do you have any bronze lawyers?"

Ed_abx · 11-30-2001, 09:41 AM

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

Ed_abx · 11-30-2001, 10:58 AM

click here and click on megan and the cliff

***Ozzie*** · 11-30-2001, 01:13 PM

Ed_abx · 11-30-2001, 01:29 PM

LOL Ozzie.....

**SKI** · 12-07-2001, 03:47 PM

With apologies to DeadKenny...

Ed_abx · 12-07-2001, 05:46 PM

LOL ski

great one

***Ozzie*** · 12-10-2001, 07:45 PM

StarTraveller · 12-10-2001, 08:38 PM

LOL

.

It looks like your avatar took a nose dive there, buddy

.

bajo · 12-10-2001, 09:03 PM

Ed_abx · 12-11-2001, 10:37 PM

Ed_abx · 12-11-2001, 10:39 PM

11-27-2001, 01:02 AM	#151
Gorganzola ABXZone > Facebook Join Date: May 2001 Location: Hangin' with the fruits Posts: 9,453	That reminds I should put my trash bin out tonight. __________________ TTFN. I wasn't asleep at the switch, I was drunk. -- Homer J. Simpson Q. How many dull people does it take to change a lightbulb? A. One. A very useful tool on these forums: You can Meebo in public.
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11-27-2001, 06:43 PM	#152
*Ozzie* neutered Join Date: Feb 2001 Location: Apple Valley, MN Posts: 10,262	Texas chili... Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas: " Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event: " Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor Very mild. FRANK: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These hicks are crazy. Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers. FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a damn uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her. Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive. JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. FRANK: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers. JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress. FRANK: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. FRANK: -------------- __________________ Have you supported your forum today? Change is the only constant in life
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11-27-2001, 07:19 PM	#153
StarTraveller Retired Modder Join Date: Apr 2001 Location: Cloud Nine Posts: 6,468	LOL Ozzie Great joke! and a welcome relief from all the Bin Laden jokes . __________________ StarTraveller.net - see Computers for current setup! Well, it used to be current... Right now, my primary computer is a ThinkPad T43p 2668-H7U upgraded to 2 GB RAM Motto: If it is worth doing then it is worth doing right! Caution: The light at the end of a tunnel may be an oncoming train...
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11-27-2001, 07:47 PM	#154
SKI Comms Moderator Join Date: Apr 2001 Location: Tempe, AZ (or wherever my luggage is) Posts: 8,488	Bronze Rat A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs. "Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it." "You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat." The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run for the bridge. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown. Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. "Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner. "No," says the tourist, "but I was wondering, do you have any bronze lawyers?" __________________ Never try to teach a pig to sing... It wastes your time, and annoys the pig.
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11-30-2001, 09:41 AM	#155
Ed_abx Registered User Join Date: Feb 2001 Location: Titusville FL Posts: 1,229	A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him". __________________ Peace Ed
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11-30-2001, 10:58 AM	#156
Ed_abx Registered User Join Date: Feb 2001 Location: Titusville FL Posts: 1,229	How to get rid of that old pc click here and click on megan and the cliff __________________ Peace Ed
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11-30-2001, 01:13 PM	#157
*Ozzie* neutered Join Date: Feb 2001 Location: Apple Valley, MN Posts: 10,262	Death wish? __________________ Have you supported your forum today? Change is the only constant in life
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11-30-2001, 01:29 PM	#158
Ed_abx Registered User Join Date: Feb 2001 Location: Titusville FL Posts: 1,229	LOL Ozzie..... __________________ Peace Ed
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12-07-2001, 03:47 PM	#159
SKI Comms Moderator Join Date: Apr 2001 Location: Tempe, AZ (or wherever my luggage is) Posts: 8,488	With apologies to DeadKenny... __________________ Never try to teach a pig to sing... It wastes your time, and annoys the pig.
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12-07-2001, 05:46 PM	#160
Ed_abx Registered User Join Date: Feb 2001 Location: Titusville FL Posts: 1,229	LOL ski great one __________________ Peace Ed
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12-10-2001, 07:45 PM	#161
*Ozzie* neutered Join Date: Feb 2001 Location: Apple Valley, MN Posts: 10,262	__________________ Have you supported your forum today? Change is the only constant in life
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12-10-2001, 08:38 PM	#162
StarTraveller Retired Modder Join Date: Apr 2001 Location: Cloud Nine Posts: 6,468	LOL . It looks like your avatar took a nose dive there, buddy . __________________ StarTraveller.net - see Computers for current setup! Well, it used to be current... Right now, my primary computer is a ThinkPad T43p 2668-H7U upgraded to 2 GB RAM Motto: If it is worth doing then it is worth doing right! Caution: The light at the end of a tunnel may be an oncoming train...
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12-10-2001, 09:03 PM	#163
bajo C1eaner Join Date: Feb 2001 Location: TX, USA Posts: 17,198	Very cool Ozzie ! __________________ USA "I won't be wronged, I won't be insulted, and I won't be laid a hand on. I don't do these things to other people, and I require the same from them." Duke (The Shootist) Gigabyte_AGP_LGA775, PentiumD960_dual core 3.6GHz, SapphireHD3850_AGP512MB_DDR2, WD RaptorX 150GB SATA_clearTop_16MB + Seagate 1TB SATA_32MB, CorsairDominator 2GB 8500_1066MHz, Dell 24" 2408WFP *AGP +DVIx2 +HDMI +DisplayPort +USB2x4, XPproSP3 Inspiron9400 17"uxga CentrinoC2duoT7600_2.39GHz_685MHz 4GB Micron6400@800_675_400MHz GeForceGo7900GSMobileForce_M6Enhanced_256MB 2x200GbSATA_7200rpm_16MBcache Vista hp, VistaP6001SP1
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12-11-2001, 10:37 PM	#164
Ed_abx Registered User Join Date: Feb 2001 Location: Titusville FL Posts: 1,229	__________________ Peace Ed
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12-11-2001, 10:39 PM	#165
Ed_abx Registered User Join Date: Feb 2001 Location: Titusville FL Posts: 1,229	__________________ Peace Ed
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