And on a lighter note

[Protoplasm72]

Here are some of my favorites:


Despite the increasing cost of living it is still very popular

Think how stupid the average person is -- then realize that half of 'em are
stupider than that! (George Carlin)

Friends come and go, enemies tend to accumilate.

You can't fight City Hall, but you can spit on the stairs.

Always urinate perpendicular to a strong wind

When you are in a flood, don't worry about your pet fish...

If you love something set it free, if it comes back to you it is yours, if
not hunt it down and kill it.

It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt. Then it's a sport....

Accept death like my grandpa when it is your turn; in peace while
sleeping... Not screaming and getting hysterical like his passengers.

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to
teenage boys

Do not count your chickens before they cross the road.

By the way... Does anyone know who is General Failure? And why is he reading
my drive C:?

[Ozzie]

[SKI]

Love the EOD pic.... *BANG*

And don't tell your wife about that ad, man!

LMAO

BTW I thought you said that WASN'T a bong in the pic you posted a while ago.

[bajo]

:eek:

[Tranced_abx]

[Ed_abx]

A man walked into his backyard one morning and found there was a gorilla in a tree. He called a gorilla-removal service, and soon a serviceman arrived with a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs and a shotgun.
"Now listen carefully," he told the homeowner, "I'm going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with this stick until he falls to the ground. The trained Chihuahua will then go right for his, uh, sensitive area, and when the gorilla instinctivly crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you slap the handcuffs on."

"Ok, got it." the homeowner replied. "But whats that shotgun for?"

"If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla," the man said, "shoot the Chihuahua."

[Ed_abx]

Frustration at tech support.

This was evidence used in a case, where a woman sued a technical support representive. It's a transcription of the recording between the teech guy, and the woman (whose names have not been included to protect their privacy).

Tech: "Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"

Woman: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

Tech: "What sort of trouble?"

Woman: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

Tech: "Went away?"

Woman: "They disappeared."

Tech: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

Woman: "Nothing."

Tech: "Nothing?"

Woman: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

Tech: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

Woman: "How do I tell?"

Tech: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

Woman: "What's a sea-prompt?"

Tech: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"

Woman: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

Tech: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

Woman: "What's a monitor?"

Tech: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

Woman: "I don't know."

Tech: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

Woman: "Yes, I think so."

Tech: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

Woman: "Yes, it is."

Tech: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

Woman: "No."

Tech: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

Woman: "Okay, here it is."

Tech: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

Woman: "I can't reach."

Tech: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

Woman: "No."

Tech: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

Woman: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark."

Tech: "Dark?"

Woman: "Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

Tech: "Well, turn on the office light then."

Woman: "I can't."

Tech: "No? Why not?"

Woman: "Because there's a power failure."

Tech: "A power... A power failure? Aha, okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

Woman: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

Tech: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

Woman: "Really? Is it that bad?"

Tech: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

Woman: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

Tech: "Tell them you're too !@#$ing stupid to own a computer."

[k0NG0]

Ah, a classic Ed - oldie but goodie, thanks bud...I needed to laugh real hard today...

-kONGO

[Ed_abx]

Bill Gates' Eternity

Bill Gates dies and goes to hell. Satan greets him, "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever."

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured.

He then takes him to a massive colosseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.

Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."

"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room.

Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.

"That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all?"

"That's what everyone thinks," snickered Satan. "The bottle has a hole in it and the girl hasn't."

"What about the PC?"

"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan. "And it's missing three keys."

"Which three?"

"Control, Alt and Delete."

[Ed_abx]

Where's the technology?

An American, a German and a Japanese guy are golfing one day and, at the 3rd hole, they hear a phone ring. The American excuses himself, puts his left thumb to his ear, his left baby finger to his mouth and proceeds to have a telephone conversation. When he is done, he looks at the other two and says "Oh, that's the latest American technology in cell phones. I have a chip in my thumb and one in my baby finger and the antenna is in my hat. Great stuff eh?"

They continue golfing until the 9th hole when, again, they hear a phone ring. The German tilts his head to one side and proceeds to have a conversation with someone in German. When he finishes, he explains to the other two that he has the latest in German technology cell phones. "A chip in my tooth, a chip in my ear and the antenna is inserted in my spine. Ah the wonders of German know-how!"

At the 13th hole, a phone rings again and upon hearing it, the Japanese fellow disappears into some nearby bushes. The German and the American look at each other and then walk over and peek into the bushes. In the middle of the bushes is the Japanese fellow, squatting with his pants down around his ankles.

"What on earth are you doing?!" asks the American.

The Japanese fellow looks up and replies "Waiting for a fax!"

[StarTraveller]

LMAO

Great stuff Ed! Keep it coming .

[Sir Skully]

Hey Ed,

[Ed_abx]

[SKI]

There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 2mi visibility when his instruments went out. Nothing but the compass was left. So he began circling around looking for landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around, opens the window and shouts to the guy "Hey, where am I? To this, the solitary office worker replies "You're in a plane." The pilot closes the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.

The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple" replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is 5 miles west."

[Ed_abx]

Good one ski