And on a lighter note

[Tapir]

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'

'Of course, child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'

[Sir Skully]

is funny amigo.....

[iMogal]

I was walking past the
mental hospital the other day,
and all the patients
were shouting,
'13....13.....13.'

The fence was too high to see over,
but I saw a little gap in
the planks, so I
looked through to see what
was going on.....
Some ******* poked me in
the eye with a stick!

Then they all started shouting '14....14....14...'

[iMogal]

A man walks into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.

He shouts, 'This is a robbery - everyone get on the floor!!' and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.

As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts..

'Did anybody else here see my face?'

The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him in the head also.

'Did anybody else see my face?' he shouts again, waving his gun around.

There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant corner..








'I think my wife caught a glimpse....'

[maxidius]

Beauty pageant for Nuns: BBC NEWS | Europe | Priest to hold nun beauty pageant
Just wonder if the procedure would be like Miss Universe, with bikini, beach and ball, etc.

[Ozzie]

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it. The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, 'Good morning Alex.'
'Good morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor, what is this? The pastor said, 'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.' Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, 'Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45?'

[Ozzie]

An atheist was walking through the woods.

"What majestic trees!"

"What powerful rivers!"

"What beautiful animals!"

He said to himself.


As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!" Time Stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident." "Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer"?
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian"?


"Very Well," said the voice.


The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:








"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.

[ctal]

Two hikers were walking through the woods one morning, when off in the distance they spotted a large grizzly bear headed directly toward them. One of the hikers immediately threw down his backpack, took out from it a pair of running shoes, and started changing from his hiking boots into the running shoes.

His friend asked him "do you think that wearing those you'll be able to outrun a grizzly?" To which he replied: "I don't have to outrun the grizzly. I just have to outrun you!"

-- Al

[jaketerminate]

I havent seen this thread yet but thats some funny crap!

[Ozzie]

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your
doctor or pharmacist about Chardonnay.

Chardonnay is the safe, natural way to feel better and
more confident about yourself and your actions. Chardonnay
can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the
world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Chardonnay almost
immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can
overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the
life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and
you will discover many talents you never knew you had.
Stop hiding and start living, with Chardonnay.
Chardonnay may not be right for everyone.

Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Chardonnay.
However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are
encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting,
incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control,
loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity,
delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache,
dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and
play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and
Naked Twister.

WARNINGS: -

* The consumption of Chardonnay may make you think you
are whispering when you are not.
* The consumption of Chardonnay may cause you to tell
your friends over and over again that you love them.
* The consumption of Chardonnay may cause you to think
you can sing.
* The consumption of Chardonnay may lead you to believe
that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them
at four in the morning.
* The consumption of Chardonnay may make you think you
can logically converse with members of the opposite sex
without spitting.
* The consumption of Chardonnay may create the illusion
that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking
than most people.

Now Just Imagine What You Could Achieve With a Good Dry
Red!!!

[Ozzie]

I was so depressed last night thinking about the up coming election, I called Lifeline.


Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan and I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

[bobb022002]

Please do not forget your flu shot!!!!

• Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.
• Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.
• Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.
• Walk for at least an hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.
• Wash your hands often.
• If you can't wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.
• Get lots of fresh air. Open doors & windows whenever possible.
• Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.
• Get plenty of rest.

OR

Take the doctor's approach. Think about it... When you go for a shot, what do they do first? They clean your arm with alcohol... Why?
Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS.

So.......

• I walk to the liquor store. (exercise)
• I put lime in my Corona ...(fruit)
• Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)
• Drink outdoors on the bar patio..(fresh air)
• Tell jokes, laugh....(eliminate stress)
• Then pass out. (rest)

The way I see it... If you keep your alcohol levels up, flu germs can't get you!

My mother always said,
'A shot in the glass is better than one in the a$$!'



Live Well - Laugh Often - Love Much

[Ozzie]

Five surgeons at a convention are discussing who makes the best patient to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York , says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second, from Chicago , responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'

The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles , chimes in: 'You know, I like Construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington, DC shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the a s s are interchangeable.'

[Sir Skully]

Hey that's gooden.....