Lost my temper with my son ... again

[yamawho]

I'm finding it harder and harder to deal with him.

He is 13 how and he just sucks the life out of me sometimes.

After this latest outburst we need to sit and talk ... but what about ?

Where do you start ?

[Bofinn]

I have 16yr and 18yr old teenage sons. Be glad that I'm not completely recovered from my Tendonitus problems, or I'd "TYPE YOUR EAR OFF!

<enough said>

ps. oldest son got driver's license suspended for 3 months today, he drives to a special troubled teen school, and if he don't graduate he can't go to Army boot camp July 1 that he's already signed up for. OUCH - my wrists!...

[PCBruiser]

yamawho, went through the same thing with my older son who essentially went nuts, literally, at that age. Violent, school problems, etc, etc, etc. First step - do sit down and talk with him. Subject - what he is doing and why it makes you angry. Also what he has to do to shape up. And, what could happen if he doesn't shape up.

Sometimes, it takes "Tough Love" (read the book, BTW) to get through to them at that age. We made it - it took almost 10 years, but my wife and I did it. Finally got through to him, and our relationship is not only parent/child (he's 30 now, and with a young son of his own), but as close friends.

Spometimes, it also takes outside intervention, if it gets to a point that you cannot handle it. I really feel for you. This is a tough time for you and teenagers can be a real trial by fire for even a saintly temperment.

[Titanium_abx]

One of the best experiences about parenthood

[count minaba]

I'll be back later to add my bit... you are not alone yama!

[Ozzie]

Welcome to the club yamawho...been through two teenagers and now on the last one...14 1/2 years old and going on 20...

I keep tellihg myself only one more left and keep my cool - but it is really hard to keep biting your tongue.

Grandma said it best..."Teenagers should be buried and dug up when they're 21"

[yamawho]

Well ... we had a talk about what he does that makes me angry and what he doesn't like.

The storm seems to have passed for the moment but I"m all ears to what you all have to say.

[Wingit]

yamawho....the nature of the problem/outburst? I certainly had my share with my son....as my father did with me...I don't think it's an unusual happening with a 13 year old, but for everyone's sake in the family you are a wise parent to address it rather than letting things slide.
Hard to offer thoughts without knowing circumstances. On the other hand, If you are just venting for a mo', I have DEFINITELY been there, lol....I had a full head of hair then.......................no more:eek:

[Wingit]

Originally posted by Ozzie
Grandma said it best..."Teenagers should be buried and dug up when they're 21"

Read a sci-fi short story years ago where children were rounded up at age 10, taken to another planet with the basics needed to sustain life, and the survivors picked up again 8-10 years later when it was felt they could be more successfully re-integrated into society.....that story was a comfort to me during my child-rearing years.

[Briton]

My dad and I get along on terms that we stay out of eachother's hair. It's been that way for the past two years--when I was 15 we had a big arguement and he basically came out and told me I was a failure and that he favored my older brother. I'm 17 now and we still fight on occasion and I've left the house on my own accord several times and he's kicked me out several times. It blows over in a week or two...

Just keep in mind that when you're dealing with your son there's probably a lot going on in his life that he'll never feel comfortable telling you, no matter how close you are. It's rare that teenagers feel like they can sit down and talk about their problems--the real serious, personal ones--with their parents. I think it's more important to ask him what he thinks he needs right now--and tell him it's okay to be honest and that you won't get ****** off if starts talking about drugs or sex or whatever--and help him with whatever it is he needs...within reason. If he needs something you think is foolish, give him your 2 cents on the matter, but it's probably not a good idea to just shut him down...he'll end up going out and doing it anyway.

I could say a lot more having been through a lot of stuff with my dad, but I think that's a good start. Maybe I'll come back and add more later on.

[KingTermite]

Well...I'm not a parent, but I'll chime in from the other perspective.

I was the troubled teen that my parents didn't know what to do with. Looking back on it, to this day, I wouldn't have blamed my parents if they had kicked me out of the house at 15. I skipped school constantly (enough to fail 9th grade and have to do summer school and night school for 2 years each in order to graduate on time). I smoked, I almost dropped out of high school in 10th grade, etc....

The thing I remember that seemed to make a difference with me (even though I probably played it off like it didn't when talking with dad) was when he would say "what are you going to do with your life if you continue to be like this?" and "Do you plan to be like this when your 30?".

I tried to drop out of school when I was 15 (going on 16). In FL at the time you could drop out of school of your own accord at age 16, but younger than that, you needed your parents' signature. I asked my dad to sign so I could drop out of school. He told me that he thought I had much more potential than that, and he wished I would see it myself. He'd say "I don't want you to have to work such manual hard labor jobs like I do...I want something better for you". In the end he told me that he wouldn't sign for me to quit, but if I still decided to quit, on my own, when I turned 16, he wouldn't try to stop me.

Well......"father knows best" and by the time I was 16, I decided to stay......and look at me now?

The point is, those are very, very, very rough years for kids....so they, in turn make them very, very, very rough on their parents. There's not much you can do but try to be as patient as you can and survive them. If you stick with your son, he'll turn out ok in the end. You are already on the right track. Its the useless parents that just give up and don't even discipline their kids, generally, who's kids turn out to be the useless leeches of society.

[Bofinn]

Originally posted by KingTermite
Well......"father knows best" and by the time I was 16, I decided to stay......and look at me now?

Your a D - O - G !!!

At least your a smart one

[territorian]

I'm not a parent and its been a long, long time since I was a teenager, but I have 30 years on and off involvement counselling families in such situations (it was part of my job, but only part of it). There needs to be various ways of dealing with the situation, and mostly what is needed is mediation and support for both teenager and parent(s). Last year I dealt with a family with a teenage daughter, who was a real pain in the proverbial and determined to leave home. I had access to a one room unit with a stove and a sink. We put a mattress on the floor and she could put her food in a fridge in the neighbouring hall but had to come and see me to get access to it. After 3 weeks she was ready to go home and a different girl. Life as an adult wasn't all it was cracked up to be after all!(BTW she did have supervision from our gov't agency FACS and myself living only 50 meters away and the caretaker in the next door unit kept and eye on her)
If you can sit down and talk that's what you should do. However, if it reaches a point that you can't get outside help, and by this I mean a good family counsellor or mediator.

[rodtoo40]

i have been thru it with my oldest son cost me my marriage i can only add whatever you do think about it hard and talk to your wife and agree about what actions she and you are going to take against him and stick to it giving in to him only hurts later in life and as for the yelling it only gives a headache above all NO HITTING it may take outside help do not be afraid to get it

[Drc Ok]

To put it bluntly a was a ******* of a kid growing up, it was like when i turned 18 everything changed for me, i cant explain it even to this day, im 33 now...but i always remember my dad saying something to me at the time, he said his father used to say the same thing to him also.

"when i turned 18 i knew everything and my father knew nothing. When i turned 21 i was amazed and what he had learnt in 3 years"

its so true, and im also saving it up for when my kids get older...i have a 12yo daughter who is almost 20, a 9yo daughter, twin boys who are 7 and a 14 month old daughter...no wonder im going grey